I'm quickly approaching 36 weeks
of pregnancy. Assuming our little man comes on his due date we have about four
weeks until our world is forever changed. It's funny how something can be so completely terrifying and exciting all at once.
When I told Kyle I was nervous,
but so happy. I was mostly nervous for the reality of it to sink in. The first
20 weeks were spent battling meat aversion, nausea, and a huge loss of
appetite. Somewhere around that time many of those things subsided. I was able
to continue working through the end of the school year without feeling any
large lack of energy at the end of the day. During the beginning of the third
trimester I experienced unrelenting itchiness and some nausea returning. I wish
I had embraced the last 36 weeks more, but to be honest it was no walk in the
park. Most of the time I felt fat…it really could have passed as me picking up binge drinking or
filming my own spin-off of supersize me and stopping at all the local golden
arches. People said "you barely look pregnant" or the worst was
"I couldn't even tell"…oh thanks so I normally look this huge to you? Luckily I had a
couple fantastic friends going through all of this with me. My favorite phone
call was "pregnancy is so rude." It's true. It's so rude. Don't let
those motherhood maternity models fool you.
Beyond the sickness and rudeness
and body disfigurement brought on by pregnancy, is something beautiful. My body
is being used by God to create this tiny little human. I feel him kick, and
spin, and dance, and take in his little world right in the center of mine. I feel him and realize there are so many
women who would do anything to have morning sickness and stretch marks, because
those things would mean they have a life stirring in them. A year ago I was
trying to convince myself it wasn't in the cards for us. We would travel and
get to spend our money, be selfish and have one giant adventure. I was trying
to convince myself that would be enough.
I didn't know then it would be my
last summer just Kyle and I. We could drink mojitos with fresh ingredients from
the garden. I could open a bottle of wine and finish it if I wanted to…and let's be real what is leftover wine anyway? I know our son is
not here quite yet, but he is here. He has already changed our lives so much.
We tightened our budget and finished paying off ALL of our student loans. We
stayed in more and attempted to embrace our new found green thumbs. We changed
our house around to make a nursery fit better. I nested. We slowly prepared for
the day we will meet him.
Under all that change and nesting
there is a sense of panic setting in though. Don't get me wrong, I'm still
excited and I know so many of my fears won't matter after the minute I see him
and hold him. Panic has set in about life after baby mostly. I have had Kyle to
myself for seven and a half years. Though the grand gestures and thoroughly
thought out and planned dates have dwindled over those years he is my other
half. I cannot even explain the way I love Kyle. Then I think about couples
like my parents and sweet godparents and cannot even fathom how incredible that
love must be after 50 years. Starting a family means sharing my world and
everyone in it. I don't get to make decisions as easily. They are no longer
only effecting me. I can't be selfish. I don't get my old life back. I can't
take off on a crazy adventure with Kyle. We can't just jump in the car and go…we will need a whole load of things because a small human is
depending on us. We have to keep someone alive. That is terrifying. Terrifying
and exciting all at once.
Ready or not…
